Zoé Mahfouz: LEGIONELLA BACTERIA • Cleaver Magazine

Flash by by Zoé Mahfouz
LEGIONELLA BACTERIA

Dear Landlord,

I have to admit I was rather appalled by your tenancy agreement. I quote: “We confirm that we believe the Premises are safe and free from legionella bacteria,” really? What is it with you people always assuming the worst when it comes to marginalized communities? Oh but let me guess, your best friend is probably a “legionella bacteria himself,” so “how can you be bacteriophobe?” And I thought you were all for “inclusion” and “diversity”: what a massive lie. So I’m going to be very straight with you. Legionella bacterias have been through enough. They constantly have to fight for their lives, reaching for air-conditioning cooling towers, hot and cold-water systems, humidifiers and whirlpool spas. Only nine out of ten people who get sick with Legionnaire’s disease will survive, do you even realize how much this could affect a bacteria’s self-esteem? Most of them had to flee to India to keep the lineage alive, but some were brave enough to stay here and try to make a name for themselves. Prove their family and all Gram-negative bacterias that a future is still possible. That just like their father, and their grandfather, and their great-grandfather, they still have a high resistance to antibiotics. That they deserve more praise than their archnemesis, Escherichia Coli. Or that show-off COVID-19. Because they have the potential to be the next big thing. The next epidemic. And I’m not talking about targeting fragile asthmatic people with their pathetic inhalers, no, I’m talking big. I’m talking every household. All ages, all walks of life. Especially the healthy ones. Like spin class instructors. So next time you come home, go to your bathroom, and acknowledge that your water has a distinct smell of “rotten eggs” or sulfur, don’t fight back. You already lost.

Zoé Mahfouz is a writer who is convinced she looks half her age because she drinks Collagen Smoothies every day. Also has a weird obsession with cows, especially baby cows that she worships. 99.9% certain that life is a giant simulation, and that God is making fun of her since she is his favorite sitcom character.